ADHD Writing Struggles

It's 1 am for me and I can't sleep so I am going to write and hope getting this off my chest will calm my brain and let me get the much-needed rest I need for my physically demanding job tomorrow.

October was ADHD awareness month and while I've always been aware of it, (being diagnosed at a young age and taking Ritalin for most of my childhood) I was never aware of how bad it was for me personally.

You see when I was about 13-14 I stopped taking Ritalin. Not because the doctor stopped prescribing it, not because I wanted to kick the habit. I just stopped. (Later in life I learned that I'd been on the same dosage since I was 8 and wonder if that played a part in my forgetting to take/not really caring to take it) Maybe it was me being a rebel. Maybe I was just too lazy. Either way, I just stopped taking it and other than a drastic drop in my grades I never noticed any real changes.

Fast forward 20 years to this October and I'm reading about "Symptoms" Of ADHD, or common issues or whatever term you want to use. And It really hits me. Oh no, I have a lot of these issues. I'm not going into them all because; A. I am barely comfortable talking to my family doctor about them and B. They don't all pertain to the topic of writing. I will however talk about some of the things that I noticed have affected my writing in positive and negative ways.

Let's start off with things I brushed off what I am calling the easy 1.2.3's

1. Rabbit Hole Distractions - Everyone gets distracted. It's the internet. I'd sit down for a writing session get a few words in and "Oh, I just need to look something up." 45 minutes later after having wondered way off the initial research track, I stumble back to my writing going "What was I gonna write?" This is a common thing in the writing community so I didn't think too much about it happening to me several times a day. "It's just part of the process," I thought. and for some it is. But for ADHD it can be worse. I can lose ideas I had to the distraction of research. 2. Full Tank Determination - While not a super common thing I have noticed that if I can get a scene going or "hit my groove" I can go and go and go. I've pumped out thousands of words in a day which is great but it burns me out for a few days after. This is again something I've heard is common in the writing community but also really common amongst people with ADHD. Fuel by a sudden drive and determination that can match some of the best and then it's gone. So I never thought much about these spurs of wild determination.

3. Writing Routine - First off I will say this was the only reason I got my debut novel done. I fought tooth and nail to establish a routine only to lose it and get it again and lose it. I gave myself headaches for a straight month because I had to make up for my lost time. When people told me to take it easy or take care of myself I would get mad because I didn't need the leeway to slip out of trying to develop this habit I wanted to develop. (and ironically I have since slipped out of it for most of this year) But once again lots of people struggle to develop a daily writing habit even if they know that it's a good idea and will help them improve. (I have seen measurable improvements over my years of writing)

These three issues are common enough I didn't apply them to anything other than the creative process. Realistically I should have seen them as part of my mental health issue. (Though I hesitate to call it that because to me it doesn't feel like it at this point)

The next parts are what I start to find less common or not at all in others. Sensory Distraction - Some people with ADHD are able to focus more when they have something to fidget with. (Hence the introduction of fidget spinners and my personal favourite fidget cube) But I have found the same level of focus come to me with any kind of sensory distraction (personal term) basically if I want to listen to something and focus I need to distract my eyes with something that doesn't require a ton of thought. (Thanks physical day job for letting me focus on so many audiobooks) If I want to focus on my eyes I distract my ears with music. (Spotify is a godsend) If I need to focus on editing (through playback and have my eyes and ears working) I still need the music in one ear to be enough of a distraction that my brain doesn't go into "I'm bored find ANYTHING else to do" mode.

Now I've heard of other authors needing music to write but a number can't handle lyrics because they are too distracting or they can only have background noise like a coffee shop or something like that. But I find few who need the distraction to be able to focus or their brain f's off onto anything else. Some do so again I chalked it up to part of my personal creative process instead of my neurodivergent history.

Lack Of Reward - This is what hit me the hardest. During the few years that I've finally started writing. (Because I procrastinated for over a decade. Ya know as ADHD people do) I have written from start to finish 3 whole books. Editing one to the point I felt confident enough to query and another to the point of actual self-publishing. These are all HUGE achievements and I should hold my head up high and feel proud about these goals I have reached. Mountains I climbed by my own stubborn determination and stupidity.

But I have yet to feel that high. Even holding my novel has not given me that rush of endorphins or feeling of making it or really much positivity to be honest. Even faking it felt hollow and just added to the near vomit-inducing feeling I got when I thought "I'm an author now" This I have not seen in others in the writing community. I have asked about it but no one I've talked to seems to get it. They tell me to feel proud and I know I should... yet... This is where it gets difficult for me to write knowing at least a few people in the world might see it.

When I finished my first chapter I did not feel proud. It felt like just another step along the long road. When I finished my first draft I got congratulations from friends and I could never accept them because again, it was just another step on the long road. When I finished editing and got beta readers that really liked what I had created. I didn't believe them. I doubted I could really make something good. When I got the Shield Of The Hearts cover done I felt like I could actually be an author, but not because of my work. It was because of the wonderful cover artist. I always pushed the congratulations and belief it would feel good in the end. Then the end came and went and still there was nothing.

This might be the moment when a lot of people say it wasn't worth it and quit. But I guess part of me knew it would be like this all along because I am still going. That nothingness has been such a part of my life these past 20 years that I don't know what life is like without it. Which sounds SUPER depressing right? I've even had some people suggest I might be depressed and while I have had my struggles with depressing times in my life. They were always from a source (job loss, loss of a family member etc) and never something I couldn't handle. I always knew it was only temporary. However, this lack of success really makes so much sense and it's something I don't see in the writing world. People celebrate their everything. Finishing chapters, backstories, world-building, first drafts beta sessions. All of it seems to be celebrated and I assume it's with an earnest that has avoided me for all but one moment. When I read my first review. When I read that I feel proud. Which is both great and sad because I should have felt it for years over all the things I've done.

I think this is as far as I will go about this. With this and other new information brought to my attention, I have started the long process of being re-diagnosed and trying the different treatment options available. This was something I thought of doing when I was in trades school to help me with my marks back then, but it turns out if I can apply the math to something real I am damn good at math. So now that I've stopped procrastinating hopefully something will become of it. Take care of yourself and talk to your family doctor. It's easier than hiding and handling it on your own.

James M.R. Ocean